The Wizard of Aus

May 8

Aren't animals fun? They're crazy, they're scary, they're furry and they do funny things. I like animals. I particularly like the tasty animals. But no animals were hurt during the making of this post... with the exception of some bacteria. But bacteria were never able to get it together enough to have an advertising campaign. No one cares. If you do, piss off; there are some lonely trees out there that need hugging.

After being in Australia for six months and only seeing two kangaroos [one of which was dead] me and Mike went to check out the local wildlife park which was, for some strange reason, filled with ducks. There was also some life sized statues of dinosaurs [and one giant scorpion] made from fiberglass, the reason for which escapes me.

What I saw was; kangaroos. I got to go into an enclosure with them and could wander around in a hardcore back to nature kind of way. There wasn't any of the Big Reds but there was some fairly significantly sized ones there. About as tall as me. Kangaroos come in at least two types; the larger, red Scary-roos and the smaller, gray Scardy-roos. Admittedly not very well named because if someone tells you there's a Scary-roo near by and you hear Scardy-roo you're pretty much fucked. As I was walking around I noticed that the 'roos have one large toe on their feet with a very long, very sharp looking claw on it. It was then that I remembered the story an Aussie told me about how kangaroos are vicious bastards. They will put their hands on your shoulders, balance one their tails and slice open your stomach, velociraptor style. But it was midday and they were all generally asleep. After suffering a panic attack I even went up and petted one who was busy munching on some celery.

Next was the eagles. The eagles were in an open top enclosure. The eagles were about four feet tall. The only thing the eagles weren't was tied to anything. Yikes. I wasn't allowed into the eagle enclosure. They had very pointy heads and big eyes behind which they were calculating how much meat was on your bones. These guys were killers, no doubt about it. There were three of them and while they looked as if they'd have no problems with achieving mach 4 they weren't very bothered. After a few retarded attempts to fly I realised that they probably had their wings clipped and they only thing they were capable of doing was pooing in long plumes of gray-white effluent.

Next, in quick succession were the dingoes who were asleep and are, by the way, the cutest looking little dogs you'll ever see. I guess if you keep them full of babies they probably won't come near you. Then there was more ducks, a bunch of excited peacocks that looked like they were seriously thinking of buying the solitary peahen a few drinks and whispering their hotel room number in her ear. There was a bunch of chickens, one of which looked like it was wearing flares.

The next big stop was the koala enclosure. Just outside I met a small wallaby who seemed content to take leaves out of my hand and bounced away chewing as he went. The koalas were all kept in a little display area. They were dozing away and eating eucalyptus leaves off the trees. They lazy bastards sleep for twenty hours a day but I think some of these guys were slipped coffee to entertain the tourists. I got to hold one. It was the softest doziest little animal I've ever met. Think of a sleepy three year old with lycanthropy. Awwwww.

The next enclosure was the echidnas. They look pretty much like big hedgehogs but much spikyer. They have the auspicious honour of being one of only two species of monotreme. The other one, which I didn't see is the duck-billed platypus These are mammals that lay eggs. Weirdos. These guys were asleep so I will mention another interesting fact to fill out some space. Monotreme means one hole. So called because down at the business end they only have one opening that performs all the functions. Along with the echidnas, in the same enclosure was one little white rabbit and some quokkas. Quokkas are tiny little marsupials that only live in the southern part of Western Australia. They look like a mix between a kangaroo and a guinea pig and are roughly rabbit sized. I liked these guys. They got moxie. They thrive on a small island off the coast of Perth called Rottnest. So called because the Danish explorers who first landed on the island thought they were rats and called the island Rat's Nest. Heart warming!

The wombats put on a very poor show which was very annoying because they look so weird that I was really interested in seeing them. They have such big heads. They're burrowing animals so their enclosure is underground. In each of the warrens there's a window that you can look through. You push a button which lights up the space for about ten seconds. It's a bit like a peep-show except the animals don't take any clothes off. They were, like almost all the animals, asleep. Booooo.

The last guys that I came across were the talking parrots. There was about fifteen cages each with a single bird and a name plate. There was cockatiels and gray and pink galahs mainly. And boy could they talk. Not a single one of them, however, would say pieces of eight or who's a pretty boy then. The biggest let down of the day. One of the cages was empty. The only indicator of it's once-occupent was the name "Pepsi" engraved into a block of wood. When I ask aloud where Pepsi was all the other parrots seemed to shuffle uncomfortably and look away whistling. Pepsi's next door neighbours Roy and Kalla didn't seems like they really wanted to revisit the memory so I took my leave.

And in case you didn't know. Marsupials have two vaginas and two penis'... each.

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