The Wizard of Aus

I've just been reading High Fidelity so I thought I needed to make a top 5 list.
Note: Neither me nor my native guide owns any of these but they are in our apartment just hanging out.

1. Godzilla vs Mechagodzilla
   (The Japanese word for Godzilla is Gojira. If you say Gojira out loud it sounds exactly the way you'd expect a comedy Japanese person to say Godzilla.)
2. Sasha Mitchell - Kickboxer 4 - The Aggressor
3. Ninja Terminator
4. Spice World
   (Yep, the one with the Spice Girls. Please don't ask. I don't know)
5. No Retreat No Surrender 2 - Raging Thunder

I've been away from home for a month today and the summer's finally arrived (again). It was 34 degrees on Tuesday and I'm told to expect another 10 degrees by Christmas and a couple more on top of that by mid January. All I could think of, while sitting in the shade with a tall glass of ice water, was sitting in a nice air conditioned room with a cold beer. Aussies definitely love their beer and say what you might about Aussies; they make the best beer ads known to man... ever. Check out these radio ads for Victoria Bitter - A Hard Earned Thirst Needs a Big Cold Beer. Or this very big ad for Carlton Draught - Carlton Draught, Made from Beer. If there was some sort of Olympic event purely for beer ads Australia would clean up.

The Aborigines say that in the dreamtime before the earth was made, one of the great rainbow serpents named Wagyl came down from heaven and meandered over the land creating rivers, waterways and lakes, it is taught that the Waugal created the Swan River. After Wagyl was finished he curled up in a loop, moving all the earth into a mound in the middle, and went to sleep. These mounds hold great power and significance for the Aboriginals. If you've ever heard of Ayers Rock (now know an Uluru, which, like the Grand Canyon, is one of the few places in the world that is better than people say), which is one of these mounds, another being on the bank of the river Swan in Perth. So, what the Aussies did when they got here was build a stonking great big brewery on the site and began making Swan Beer (probably the name's a reference to the river. As opposed to beer made from swans. Though, I've been wrong before).

Australians do particularly tasty beers and they also do pretty good big-insects (which are admittedly not as tasty and harder to find on tap). Not only have I seen giant moths and a mammoth dragonfly but the other night while walking along minding my own business; the biggest damn cockroach in the whole world. Had I been sitting down it probably would've been bigger than me. It just scuttled along in front of me and I would of kicked it only I was afraid of hurting my foot. They're a dark brown colour, roughly two inches long with two and a half inch long feelers at the front and inch long legs underneath, which they walk along on like some kind of six legged tripod (technically this should be sexpod but I feel that that image detracts from the blinding terror you're suppose to be feeling from my description) monsters from The War of the Worlds. My native guide tells me that they also fly! And last night I noticed that there's one hanging out on my balcony. I've been resting my beer on it for the last few weeks, under the illusion that it was a table! There's quite a lot of insects around and about. Clearly they, like me, enjoy the tropical climate as my mosquito bites can testify to. Several of these bites seem to have signed a treaty and are banding together to create some sort of unholy union. One of them is so big that it can, in fact, be seen from space with the unaided eye. At least that's how it feels!

While I meet insects all the time I still haven't met any Kangaroos. I've been to the places where they hang out (street corners, skateboard parks, shady biker bars) but they seem to be taking it easy, out of the sun, and far away from prying eyes. The natives tell me that the best time to see them is through your windscreen when you're heading down the freeway doing 120 k at night. Kangaroos, like rabbits and deer, get startled by on coming headlights and their immediate reaction is to jump. This puts them at just the right height to come smashing through your window, all 1.5 metres and 85 kg of them. Being in the middle of the desert at night, the nearest person an eight hour drive away, with a marsupial related concussion is a startlingly common occurrence and definitely not advised. Over here they call bull bars roo bars. Be warned "Kangaroos Kan Kill."

Kangaroos are quite special in that they're the only animal that you can make reference their "third leg" without being dirty. At very low speeds kangaroos move along using their tail as a sort of crutch. So it goes; standing on two legs, tail comes down, pushes body forward, lands back on two legs, repeat. And at high speeds, contrary to popular belief, kangaroos don't actually hop in the traditional sense. Kangaroos, like dolphins and honey bees, actually move using physics. It needs to jump for it's first hop and then when it comes down it's spring like legs store all the energy from the impact in it's muscles which squeeze up really tightly for a second before springing open like an elastic band being fired at a nerd from the end of a thumb. Amazing really.

Since I'm talking about 'roos; the Australian football team, called the socceroos, just qualified for the World Cup for the first time in 30 years. It's perfectly acceptable to go up to a guy in a bar saying "G'day, see the socceroos qualified for the World Cup? Top blokes!" And no one would laugh at you or think you're being an idiot for saying 'socceroo'. This is what I love the most about Australia. People from Tasmania are Tazzies, sunglasses are sunnies and if there's a noun they'll try to shorten it.

It's come to the point now where I honestly need a job. It's killing me not having anything to do all the time. So maybe, when I get a life, I'll have something more topical to post here. For the moment... not so much.

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Here it is. The moment you've all been waiting for... Back by popular demand. Australia. To kick this off people should be aware of some of the general weirdnesses about Australia.

• First of all, and most people probably know this, flip-flops are called thongs (teeheehee. Though flip-flop isn't exactly the most serious sounding word in the world). This comes from the old style sandals, of ancient Greek fame, where the straps (or thongs) were tied around the ankle, and has nothing to do with the underwear of the same name.
• Off-licences are called bottle-shops. I think the meaning of this is obvious and they even have a "Drive-thru bottle-shop" in Perth. Convenient or what?
• A stag night is called a buck's night.
• Burger King is called Hungry Jack's.
• And to be stoked is to be feeling good. i.e. "I'm stoked 'cause Kylie just invited me up to her room to drink some VB. Noooo worries mate!"
• The crows are black and white and bleat like sheep. (I live right next to the city of Perth and could swear I could hear sheep in the distance until a big, white-eyed black and white crow landed next to me and did his best dolly impression).
• Breakfast is called Brekky, and not just as a contraction by people, this is written down everywhere.
• If this year's anything like last year it's going to be about 40 degrees C on Christmas day. Instead of having the now traditional fry for Christmas breakfast it's more usual to have a Christmas beach barbequed breakfast.
• They've changed Coco the Monkey. He looks crap. This is almost as scandalous as the whole Choco Crispies debacle.
• People don't seem to tip here. I got chased out of a cafe in Victoria Park when I left three dollaridoos (about two euro) on the table, "'scuse me sir, you left this on the table." I thought she was pissed off that the tip wasn't big enough until I asked my Aus cultural attache what the deal was "Normally you don't tip, depends on the place, it's a tricky one actually. No worries!"
• Skippy, the self titled bush "kangaroo" isn't a kangaroo at all. He is infact a wallaby. He's also been in a Thai prison since 1976 for drugs offences.

Australians are the only nation to eat both of the animals on their coat of arms (I don't know that for certain but they definitely do eat these animals. I had kangaroo on a pizza for god's sake). Anything that can be barbequed is eaten and Australians love their barbies. I recently heard of a barbeque on sail for $6,000...

The locals are all addicted to a thick black gloop that comes in a jar with the words "Proudly made in Australia since 1923," as well as "Concentrated Yeast Extract," (something I thought I never wanted to read). I have no doubt the words beer and bloke feature somewhere on the label too, this being as quintessentially Australian as a beer swilling Kangaroo playing the didgeridoo... while surfing. This wondrous concoction is called Vegemite and is mentioned in the Men at Work song Land Down Under. Wikipedia describes it as being "made from leftover brewers' yeast extract, a by-product of beer manufacture, and various vegetable and spice additives." Despite this it really is quite tasty, if a little salty. Vegemite is almost exactly unlike Marmite and can kill in large enough quantities. The oddest thing that I haven't eaten yet is the Cheesymite Scroll. Pastry, cheese and Vegemite. 'Nuff said.

My favourite Australia fact ever is that ex Australian Prime Minister Bob Hawke (holder of the world drinking record after drinking two pints in eleven seconds) once held the record for drinking 375 ml cans of beer on the plane between Australia and London. This record held for years and was topped by the current holder, Tasmanian cricketer David Boon who drank 52 cans on a Qantas flight between Australia and London in 1989. They didn't even count the three he had in the airport in Sydney before boarding the plane. Top bloke! The pilot even made an congratulatory announcement when Booney finally stopped.

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